Random Thoughts: Season One
by Kizmet
Summary: POV peices for various characters during the first season of "Angel", I'm consolitdating to neaten up my page.
1. Unattainable: Doyle: City of

**An Unattainable Feeling**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I heard all of Angel's reasons for destroying the Gem of Amora and for going back to being a vampire after the whole incident with the Mohra demon. I know believes those reasons but I can also tell there's one reason more. 

That last reason isn't noble or generous or doing the right thing, it's ugly. I don't think he faces it even in his own mind, and I hate that my friend should feel the way I think he does. 

The gypsies that cursed him they did a real number on Angel. I'm surprised that they didn't tell him about the clause straight off; I guess they felt the message would sink in deeper if he learned it the hard way. 

My visions don't just tell me about the things Angel needs to fix. First they told me about Angel himself. They even told me why the gypsies attached such a stupid loophole to their curse. It weren't accidental. They counted on the curse being broken. Why the hell do you think that they watched him for all those years? 

Only they miscalculated. They never knew the real Angel, just the demon. It never occurred to them that he'd slip into a hundred years of depression over what the demon had done in his name. I t didn't occur to them that their magics might be lost afore Angel finally healed enough to break the curse. 

Or that the demon would kill any of them near him before they could figure out how to fix the mess they'd made. They didn't count on that. 

Still Willow, wonderful girl that she is, with all the best intentions in the world, carried out the gypsies' plans. She gave Angel his soul back, with new deaths on his conscious and the knowledge that his happiness would release the demon again. 

That knowledge is the true curse, he can't help but fear happiness. That day in the sun, it felt good, so it had to be wrong. Being human, being with his Buffy, it made him happy, thus it were dangerous. Even though he knew that as a human he couldn't loose his soul he still ran from happiness. 

I know his friends from Sunnydale are deadly afraid of Angel loosing his soul again, maybe I would be too if I'd had to face off against his demon, but they shouldn't be. 

Thanks to the gypsies sick, twisted, curse Angel fears happiness more than most people fear death. Even if we found some way to make sure he could never loose his soul again he'd still fear it. The scar goes to deep to heal. 

The curse will never break again, because it takes a moment of perfect happiness, untainted by any darkness. Angel will never feel that again. 

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	2. Choosing Battles: Cordy: written after P...

**Choosing Ones' Battles**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I got started down this path because of the most selfish of reasons: self-preservation. At first I help when I was in danger. Then I realized that if the world was in danger so was I. Next I found that I cared about the people I fought beside, that I would hurt if they hurt. 

That was scary. Even after Xander and Willow betrayed me I still cared. Thanks to Anya, the former vengeance demon, and the love of Xander's life, I know about the other timeline. The one where Buffy never came to Sunnydale and the Master rose. I know why I wished Buffy out of my life, it's simple really. I wanted to go back to caring only about myself, life was easier then. 

I went to LA to become an actress for about the same reason, to escape from caring about others. More importantly to escape from those people I already cared too much about. 

But LA was lonely and dangerous. I'd been lonely before joining Buffy's little club of evil fighters. I'd dealt with it then, I thought I could do it again, but it hurts more when you know what you're missing. I wonder if it's the same for Angel. 

Yeah Angel. Back in High School I never care what anyone else felt, and when it came to Angel I was in perfect agreement with Xander: Stake him now, before he could do any more damage. Why would I want to save him anyway? It wasn't to my advantage. 

Yes I admit he rescued me quite a few times but he also endangered me, and he like Buffy better than me. I really hated that. The way he could look at Buffy and I standing side by side, her straight from patrolling and me dressed to the nines and he'd only see her. Even Buffy knew I looked better, but not Angel. When he looked at Buffy he saw something that transcended any physical beauty, something that I apparently lacked. That hurt. 

But when I saw him that night in LA he was the answer to my prayers. He eased the loneliness because he was a link to Sunnydale, he was an awesome protector, and he was safe. I mean I had known the guy for three years and could still suggest staking him without batting an eye, I didn't think it likely that I'd start caring about him then. 

And helping him in his quest for redemption, that was just temporary. A way to pay the rent until my career took off. 

I guess things started changing when I thought it was cute, if embarrassing, that he acted like my dad or at least a protective older brother every time I went out on a date. 

To make matters worse I figured out that I couldn't be happy with an empty, loveless relationship, even if the guy was really rich. So I gave in and fell for Doyle, started caring about one of the save the world types again. Only to have Doyle die, and in dying he left me a legacy, his visions. 

For a while I kept my pretense that Angel Investigations was just a stepping-stone for me. I kept going to auditions and trying to meet the right people. The truth was that the Powers That Be had me as securely as they had any of us. 

I couldn't ignore the visions, my conscious wouldn't let the people I saw in them come to harm without trying to help. 

In addition the grief Angel and I shared over Doyle's death shattered the distance I'd maintained from him. Oh I didn't fall for him or anything stupid and pointless like that. We became friends, family even, closer than family really. Well closer than the families I was used to. I wonder if that's another side effect of the Hellmouth, cause I've heard of families that are everything the storybooks say a family should be, but I didn't see many of those in Sunnydale, CA. The closest to that ideal was Buffy's family, sure her dad was the invisible man, but her mom loved her and tried to be part of her life. That was better than the rest of us. My dad was completely involved in being a crooked businessman, while mom was always preoccupied with her malady of the week. Willow's parents were both very dedicated career people, they never saw her unless she was hurt or in trouble, and by hurt I mean hospitalized. I don't know what was with Oz's parents but I do know that he didn't even bother to hide it when he stayed out all night. He could go whole weeks without ever setting foot in his home. And I'd still rather have any of our parents rather than Xander's. Xander's parents liked to act like everything was good with them, but an unbiased person would think that they hated one another. Put any two members of Xander's family in the same room for more than five minutes and the screaming would start. They just couldn't seem to stand the sight of one another, and they were always ready to let each other know what they thought of one another. 

In retrospect that makes my relationship with Xander sort of scary. We fought, we cut each other's egos to shreds then we made out as a way of making up. Way too close to the relationship his parents shared for my comfort. 

Even Angel, Giles, Wesley and Spike weren't on good terms with their families, even if their families weren't with them when we met. Giles had his whole icky teen-rebellion thing with that awful Ethan Raynes person, because his parents tried to force him into a life he didn't want. Then he ends up doing exactly what they wanted because of what he saw when he was dabbling with the dark side. Still that didn't lead to any great reconciliation or anything with his family. Wesley's father was abusive plain and simple. 

Angel killed his family, but that was the demon, the no-soul version of Angel, so that doesn't really count. One the other hand he was a complete looser when he was human, much worse than Xander even, and his family just did they're best not to be associated with him. I don't know the whole story, cause it happened back in the dark ages, but from some of the things I've heard Angel say his drawing was some part of the problem. Which is kind of sad, I've seen some of his pictures, he could have been a really good artist. Or maybe not, he has had two and a half centuries to practice after all. 

Spike didn't even have a family, not that he could remember any way. Angelus found him when he was just a little kid, and he had a long succession of people raise Spike, all of whom he killed for one reason or another. When Spike was old enough Angel turned him into a vampire. Both Spike and Angel say child vampires like the Anointed One end up real unstable after a few decades. I can see that, I mean who would want to be a little kid forever? But Spike and Angel say it's asking for problems to turn anyone less than twenty because their minds aren't fully developed. 

Well I had to point out that Angel turned Theresa when he lost his soul and Spike turned Billy Fordham who were both teenagers. But it turns out in both cases they know Buffy would stake those two before they could do anything. At the time I resented the implication that teenagers were less than totally mature. Now I have to admit that they were right. 

I'm not the person I was back then. I'm not so self-centered; I can't help but feel for others. I know that I'll never be able to ignore the darkness that exists in this world. I'm one of the white-hats, I don't fight that anymore. 

It's just, sometimes, when things aren't too hectic, I get to thinking. I don't like the things I think. I think about how the Powers That Be, both for good and for evil don't really give a damn about us. 

We're just the pieces in the game that they play. Some pieces, like Spike and Angel get traded; others like Doyle and Jenny Calendar get destroyed. 

They acquire us any way that they can; for Buffy it was destiny, for Giles heritage, Angel guilt, Spike a computer chip implanted in his brain and the rest of us just sort of fell into it from a misguided, okay, not so misguided, sense of duty. 

The bad guys have they're own recruiting techniques. Either way the Power That Be pull us in then they use us up. They don't let any one go. 

Buffy's the older slayer in recorded history, she's twenty-four. Angel risks himself endlessly in a search for a redemption which he'll never receive. He's had chances to escape this life but he turned them down, his guilt won't let him ever step aside. 

We've all given up so much of our lives and innocence for these Higher Power's amusement and what do we get in return? Misery, lost friends and allies, early graves, that's all. 

The struggle may bring out the best in us. It has forged friendships closer than I'd ever imagined possible. But it only ends with our deaths. 

I wish I'd gotten embroiled in a battle which could be won. 

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	3. What's Left: Angel: She

**What's Left**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

It's an odd thing to thing of, but tonight I find myself realizing that there's not a person left on this planet who even knows the name of the person I once was. 

It was Cordy's party that started this line of though, watching her young, mortal friends laugh and pretend. I used to be so much like them. Now I can't even remember how to talk to another person if demons or evil aren't some part of the conversation. 

Cordy asked me if this party were my idea of Hell. It was just an expression when she said it, but I replied that I knew more people in Hell. I had to remind her that for me Hell isn't an expression; it's a stamp on my passport. 

I tried to talk to her friend Laura, tried to mingle. I watched Wesley mingling, a picture to strike terror into the heart of any self –respecting demon. I ended up spending the evening sharing a beer with Cordy's dead roommate; I had more in common with him than the other partygoers. 

Cordy wasn't happy. I tried, I really tried, but I just don't remember how to be a part of life. I don't like large groups of people anymore. Their scent, their warmth, the thunderous roar of their heartbeats, they all remind me that I'm not one of them. My demon loved those sensations, the feel of being apart, a predator moving unsuspected among the sheep. To him it was a thrill, a joke, to chat with them, to pretend he was one of them, to win their trust. He loved to play with them till that delicious moment when he would reveal his true visage then wait for the horror to dawn on them before sinking fangs into their fragile bodies, and then casting aside their drained husks. 

Since my soul as returned I've lost all interest in crowds, in parties. Such gatherings bring too many memories, and not just of the demon's hunting patterns. It's even harder to have the memories of the wild foolish boy who would never leave Galway drug to the surface. 

That boy was even more at home at a celebration than the demon he became. He loved the spotlight; in every gathering he was the center of attention. Until he passed out from the drink, that was. Weather it was the nightly gathering at the town pub or the fancy dress affairs at the residence of one of the gentry I'd be the first to arrive and left only when kicked out. 

I despised my real life; it was too bland, too ordinary. I was the son of a small landowner. I hated my father, I wasn't what he wanted and he wasn't what I wanted. He was Galway born and had never traveled more than a score of miles from his holding. He was a hard worker and he saw to it that the families little holding stayed profitable. 

My mother was another story; she was a lovely woman, and a titled Lady despite having married beneath herself. She'd been educated in London itself when she was a girl and knew all the court graces. But she went and fell in love with my father anyway. I never understood it while I was alive. 

My mother saw to it that my sister and I could read and write both English and Latin as well as do figures and she taught us the manners expected in polite society. 

With her teachings and my appearance I gained access to the local upper class. My father hardily disapproved, he saw everything I enjoyed as worthless, for my carousing to my sketches. I hated him for disapproving of me, and I was ashamed of him because my friends looked down on him. What was worse was that despite everything I always knew that either of my parents were worth a dozen of my friends. 

Once I could have empathized with Cordelia when she realized that she needed more than money and looks in a potential boyfriend. I spent enough of my time looking for a woman among the gentry willing to marry me, who didn't bore me to death with her empty headed prattling. 

Once I could have been just another of Cordelia's acquaintances, all of them desperately hoping to be noticed, to become somebody important, but that was so long ago. The boy I had been would never have recognized what I have become. He wouldn't have spent the evening in the kitchen talking with a ghost; he would have fit in perfectly. He always did, even at the parties he had to crash to get into. 

I can freely admit that the boy I had been was hardly worth the space he took up. And with the number of scrapes he got in it was a wonder he lived long enough for Darla to meet him. In twenty-six years I am forced to acknowledge he hadn't done anything worth note. 

Still a part of me misses him, he was young, free of guilt and horror. He dreamt of seeing the world and leaving his mark upon it. And a century and a half after he died, I woke up and found the dream a nightmare. For a few precious seconds in that gypsy comp Liam was returned to life. Then the memories came and the horror of what Angelus, the one with the Angelic face, the scourge of Europe, had done changed that boy so much that he might as well have died all over again. 

I'd seen the world, and made it scream and bleed. In my wake I'd left chaos and death on a scale that the boy I'd been couldn't have imagined. Liam couldn't fact those memories, and so I came into being. Neither the demon nor the mortal, but something between them and different from them. 

The demon's deeds will live on in infamy and I like to think that since joining Buffy a few of my action have altered the world for the better, but the mortal boy Liam lived and died without ever touching this world in any way at all. In the end the only mark of permanence that he left was his name on a rock in Galway's cemetery. By now it's likely even that has worn away. I wish it had been otherwise. 

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	4. Needed?: Wes: written after IGYUMS

**Needed?**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Well Angel and Cordelia left me to man the office today. It's a real honor. They trust me. I'm truly a part of the team, a vital part. 

Oh who am I kidding. Today is the first anniversary of Doyle's death. Angel and Cordelia needed to take some time to remember him. 

They watched the video Cordelia made of him, went down to the dock where he died, and now they're at his favorite bar toasting his memory. 

They asked me to watch the office as a polite way of telling me I'm not wanted today. 

What good am I ever to anyone? I certainly couldn't compare to Mr. Giles with the Slayer or her friends and I can't fill Doyle's place with Angel or Cordelia. 

In this team Cordelia runs the business and has visions. Angel fights the demons and deal with the clients. I follow Angel around and try to avoid being taken hostage too often. I also do a little research that Angel could most certainly take care of himself if necessary. They don't need me. 

Still Angel hired me, and has yet to fire me. Perhaps I fill some need here, even if it is only sparing Angel a bit of the researching. I hope they aren't keeping me on simply because they pity me. 

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	5. Dealing with Demons: Kate: Somanbulist

**Dealing with Demons**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I have to admit, meeting Angel has been educational. Vampires, demons, other things that go bump in the night are real. Who would have guessed? 

I thought I was dealing with that little fact fairly well. Angel's secretary… partner… assistant… actually I'm not quite sure what position she holds, anyway, Cordelia Chase thinks I could do a lot better. 

I had a case with some bizarre aspects. Before Angel's little revelation I probably wouldn't have even noticed them. Now it's like my eyes have been pried open and I have no choice but to see the evidence that the world is a different place than I was lead to believe. I decided an expert opinion on weird would be helpful, so I called Angel. 

I noticed Angel sounded distracted when I called and when he showed up, Chase was in tow. She was definitely hovering about him. I probably should have asked what was wrong, but I figured it was probably something demonic that I didn't really want to know about, so I didn't. 

Normally Angel is very good at what he does, a real professional. That's why I haven't said anything about his lack of a detective's license. That night, however, was different. Angel just wasn't focused on what he was doing. Every time a pager or cell phone went off he'd jump. As far as I was concerned the last straw was when he touched a piece of evidence before we had a chance to fingerprint it. 

I balled him out for it, still at that point I don't think I'd said anything I wouldn't have said to a human who had made the same mistake. Then his cell phone rang. He answered it, listened awhile, and then asked if he should come. After that he handed the phone to Chase and started walking off. 

That's when I lost my temper. He just walked off in the middle of an investigation without one word of explanation. I grabbed his shoulder, tried to force him to stop, I forgot he's stronger than a human. 

At that point I started screaming at him. Among other things I called him a vampire at the top of my lungs. That's when Chase stepped in. Her tirade started by asking me if I wanted to get Angel killed. 

I didn't know what she meant. She pointed out that most people know how to kill a vampire and Angel didn't need to deal with a bunch of Van Helsing wannabes. 

After that she moved on to a more general lecture, on how Angel has feelings and I should act like he doesn't. She was furious about my calling demons "evil things". I had no idea Doyle was a demon, or that Cordelia Chase had admitted to being in love with him. She also reminded me that whatever Angel was now, he had been human once and he did understand what that meant. Apparently Angel had been bothered enough by my comments to the contrary that he'd mentioned them to Cordelia. 

Finally she told me what was going on. It turns out there was this girl in Sunnydale. Cordelia described her relationship with Angel as a real Romeo and Juliet thing. Only Angel decided to end things before the final act. Well this girl was some sort of a demon hunter, and she'd gotten hurt. That was why Angel had been so jumpy. He and Cordelia were waiting for her to get out of surgery. That's what the call had been about. The girl had survived surgery, but was still in critical condition. Angel wanted to go to her, but her friends thought it would be better for her if he didn't. 

This girl might die, Angel won't ever get to say goodbye to her. Cordelia's furious about that too. She says their friends in Sunnydale have no right to tell Angel to stay away. 

Until that night I never recognized how close Angel and Cordelia have become. They're almost like siblings, the type that would never admit to liking each other but would protect the other to the death. 

I wonder how they met. Angel's a, well a what he is, on top of that he's reserved and awkward around people. Almost shy if he's not involved in a case. Cordelia on the other hand is an aspiring actress and a former debutant. They just don't seem to have anything in common, but the bond they share is real. 

I wonder how Cordelia can feel friendship for Angel. She had to know at least as much as I do about his past, and all I can see when I look at him is a monster disguised as a human being. Cordelia sees a person she cares about. I can't understand that. 

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	6. Blame: Angel's Father: Prodigal

**Blame**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

"And is that all you can find in your heart for me Father?" 

Liam believed I didn't love him, he died believing that. Liam's dead, my son is dead. 

I warned him, told him he'd only find trouble leaving like he did. I fought with him. The last words Liam and I exchanged were in anger. 

How surprising is that, I can't even remember the last time we held a civil conversation, and now he's dead. 

I always believed Liam would eventually outgrow his foolishness. That with more discipline he would improve. I never knew how he interpreted my discipline. How could he think I wanted him to fail? How could I let him think that? Why did he wait so long to tell me how he felt? 

What would have happened had he told me? If he said anything more than "Yes Sir," I'd have seen it as impudence. I would have hit him. I truly wonder why I never knew what my son thought, about anything. Now I never will. 

Liam was found this morning in the alley behind the pub. Hardly the first time Liam was found there, only this time he wasn't unconscious, his throat had been cut. 

Liam's friends, and I use that term reluctantly, Sean, didn't even make it to the alley. He was found passed-out ten steps from the pub's door. He doesn't have any idea who might have killed Liam. If they'd wanted money they waited far too long, Liam never left the pub while he still had coin, anyone from Galaway would have known that. Anyone with ears or a mind would have known that. Liam rarely left quietly once his money had run short. 

Of course most people that knew Liam despised him, either for something he'd said or done or because of someone he'd seduced. Liam took nothing seriously, the brawling, the drinking, the girls, none of it meant a thing to him. Unfortunately he didn't have the sense to realize that other people did care. I never imagined that someone might care enough to kill him for it, but someone did, and now he's gone. 

He was only twenty-six and his sister will miss him. Kathleen, his little Kathy, can't understand why this happened. She's angry, Liam promised to come back to her and he always kept his promises to her. Only this time he won't keep his promise. Liam's gone forever. 

Kathleen blames me, I told Liam if he left he could never come back, now it's true. Liam won't ever come home again and my daughter blames me. With her Liam was different. Kathleen never understood why we always fought. Liam loved her, he never let her be disappointed in him. 

That should have made me realize where Liam and I had gone wrong. I told Liam he was a failure, could only find fault with him and he constantly failed me. Kathleen adored him, Liam was her big brother, she thought he could do no wrong, and Liam succeeded for her. For her he kept every promise, except that last one. He promised to come back to her, but he won't, because he ended up murdered in an alley. 

He let Kathleen down, his darling Kathy, just like he let everyone down, just like I let him down. 

My son is dead, my daughter blames me, and I'm not sure she's wrong in that. 

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	7. Promises Made: Cordy: Eternity

**Promises Made**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, truly angelic. I can almost ignore the chains. 

We didn't kid around with the chains. Angelus is no one to take chances with. If Angel were human we would have had to worry about his ability to breath. The weight and tightness of the chains would have prevented his lungs from expanding. Lucky for us Angel doesn't breath, so we don't have to worry. 

Of course if Angel were human we wouldn't have had to do this in the first place. Tranquilizers don't turn humans into psychotic killers who like to play with their food, which would be us by the way. 

Wesley thinks that the drugs will wear off and in few hours, when Angel wakes up, he'll be Angel again, not psycho-evil guy. I hope he's right, but we really don't know. Angel could wake-up drug free and still soulless. 

Wesley and I haven't really discussed what we'll do in that case. I'm praying Willow will be able to cast that freaky Restoration spell again. But the thing is most of Willow's spells, they don't work. She doesn't even know why she started speaking gypsy or hocus-pocus or whatever it was that she spouted the last time she cast the spell, it might have been a fluke, she might not be able to do it again. What if we can't give Angel his soul back? 

What do we do then? More to the point, what do I do then? See I made a promise that if Angel ever changed back that I'd kill him. And now it's happened, Angel is Angelus. If we can't get his soul back there's really no choice about what needs to be done. 

I didn't have much sympathy for Buffy's difficulties during our junior year. I couldn't see why he was so much harder to stake than any other evil vampire. 

Now I'm sitting here, watching Angel sleep, thinking about what a good friend he's been for the last few months. He and Doyle and now Wesley are the closest friends I've ever had. I've already lost Doyle, now I might have to kill Angel. 

He's all chained up, technically, it shouldn't be hard. Stake, heart, poof. Technically that's all there is to it. Which completely ignores the part where I have to kill the body that used to belong to my best friend, and that by doing so I give up all hope of ever getting him back. 

A part of me wants to weasel out of this. I want to say someone else has to do this, not me, but I promised Angel. 

It would kill Buffy to do it again and Angel wouldn't want that. I don't think Willow or Wesley could actually do it. Wesley's gotten real dependent on Angel lately, he needs Angel. For what's probably the first time in his life, Wesley has a place; he knows he's valued for the contributions he makes, and thats all thanks to Angel. I don't think he could give that up. Willow would never give up on anyone; she would keep trying the spell until the world ended. Angel wouldn't want that either, they would give Angelus the time he needs to escape, Angel wouldn't want to risk that. Xander or Giles could do it, easily. They'd enjoy killing Angel, that's why I can't let them do it either. This is about doing what's right, what Angel would prefer, not about spite or vengeance or jealously. Oz is gone. That's why, if worst comes to worst, I have to do it. 

I promised Angel. Angel knows me, I'm practical, I do what needs to be done. I'm not a whiney cry-Buffy, I can do what I have to and not let it break me. Angel could trust me to do what's right. 

But I don't want to. Angel's my friend; I don't want to kill him. I really, really want him to wake-up and be himself. 

Please let him be okay. Don't make me do this, please 

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	8. Bluff: Kate: Sanctuary

**Bluff**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Thank God that girl, Faith, turned herself in. 

I can't believe how relieved I am. She gave Angel and I an escape, a way out of a game of chicken that could have proved fatal. 

"It's murder," the blond girl had said. 

I wouldn't have let it to that far. I don't think I would have. The eastern exposure thing was just a bluff; I wouldn't have left him to burn, not really. I just wanted to scare him, to force him to give her up. 

But what if he'd called my bluff? 

They say burning is the most torturous form of death. 

Would Angel have held his position? Angel does what he thinks is right. He expected me to take his life with Penn's that day in the sewers, his eyes gave me permission to do just that. He believed that it was necessary to kill Penn, and he was ready to sacrifice his life to see that done. 

I have to believe that he'd have died rather than betray that girl as well. 

So I'm back to wondering what I would have done. I push, I'm willing to go to the edge to see that what I think is right is done. I've been reprimanded for pushing interrogations too far before. How far would I have taken things with Angel? 

God, I don't even know how far's too far in this case. I could have killed him by accident. I know what can safely be done to a human, but I have no idea what a vampire's tolerance to sunlight is. 

Why was he protecting her? Angel doesn't protect murders I know that. Once again, look at Penn, in vampire terms Penn is Angel's childe, that term implies an emotional connection, but Angel would have killed Penn. 

Why was Faith different? What was he hoping to accomplish? 

He seemed happy with how things turned out. Was he trying to get her to turn herself in? What was he trying to save her from? 

I don't understand Angel, he's a monster, literally, one of the things that lurk in the shadows, or under the bed. But he saves people; I owe him my own life more than once. I don't understand why. Once he was a remorseless killer, now he's a good person, what changed? 

So much is missing, so many gaps in his story. My feeling for him only make things messier. Before the Vampire thing came out I think I was starting to fall for him. At the very least he was a trusted friend. I feel like he betrayed me, just by being what he is. And I can't deal with what he is; just being near him makes my skin crawl. 

I've threatened to kill him twice now. I couldn't go through with it the first time, this time, I wasn't put to the test. Some part of me agrees with that slime from Wolfram and Heart and wants to lump Angel in with all the other not human things, but I know it's not the truth, Angel isn't like the things that murdered my father. 

Where Angel is concerned I just don't know what I'll do. I'm working with a fraction of the facts and a turmoil of conflicting emotions. 

I wish, everyday, that I'd never met him. 

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	9. He Moved On: Buffy: Sanctuary

**He Moved On**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

The bus ride back to Sunnydale feels endless and I've got nothing but my thoughts for company. 

When Angel broke-up with me a year ago I thought it would be easier for me if I could see pain in his eyes, if I knew he was hurting as much as I was. 

Even as I moved on I kept that thought in mind, that somehow if I could see him suffer for giving up on us it would mean... I don't know what. That he really loved me, maybe? That what we had was as important to him as it was to me? 

I could never have done what Angel did. He turned his back on us. Even though he was right, even if we were headed for disaster I would have chosen glorious flames over letting go. Over doing what was right. I already did right rather than what I wanted. I sent Angel to Hell because it was the right thing to do, it's not fair that I had to loose him because of doing the right thing again. I'd rather have done the wrong thing and faced the consequences. After Angel left there were days when I believed that it would have been easier if we'd just given in, broke the curse again and literally killed each other. That it would have hurt less than knowing Angel could walk away from me. 

Then I'd think that Angel must not have really loved me if he could leave me. Deep down I always knew that it wasn't the truth, I knew that Angel left because he loves me and wants the best for me. Still, sometimes deep down is a candle at the bottom of a well shaft, even though you know it's there you can't see it. 

All I could see was that Angel left me, and that he didn't look back. 

So I pretended not to love him. Pretended that my relationship with Angel was only pain and misery, and tried to forget how safe he could make me feel. Forget how he always tried to find the right thing to say to make my dark and confusing world sane again. He couldn't always do it, and he was always too eager to blame himself for anything that went wrong, but he always tried and that meant so much to me. 

I pretended that that stuff didn't exist and I moved on. Then Faith woke-up, I hoped that my dreams were some indication that she'd changed, that she would welcome the chance I was ready to offer her for rehabilitation. She threw it in my face before I got the words out of my mouth. Then I come to LA and find that she was willing to let Angel help her. 

Of course I thought it was a game, she wanted everything I had: Angel, Riley, my friends, my watcher, my mother, my body, my life. She wanted to take all of that and make it hers. It's what she's wanted since she first showed up, anything I have she tries to take. I knew this guilt thing she was doing for Angel was just her latest attempt to steal him from me. She'd tried it before, why should this time be different. She went to Angel all guilt-ridden and in pain before, then she tried to steal his soul. Angel was an idiot to believe her this time. 

If she really wanted to change why hadn't she let me help her back in Sunnydale? What could Angel offer her that I couldn't? Why does the fact that Angel's done horrible things make him a good role model for her. What? I haven't screwed up my life so I could possibly be the one to show Faith how to be a better person? I guess they think that the blind really can lead the blind. 

And what hurts the worst is they're right. Angel actually got through to her. When it mattered Faith came through for Angel. She walked into that police station and confessed, and in doing so she did what I couldn't, she saved Angel. 

Angel hadn't needed me at all, in fact my coming just screwed things up for him. He had a new life, one that works for him, one that includes friends who aren't me. Back in Sunnydale Angel was mine and mine alone. The only people who he ever socialized with were my friends first and they only tolerated him for my sake. Angel needed me, he would have killed himself if not for me. I was truly and simply the center of his world. Now I'm not. I'm really not. He has this whole life that doesn't even include me. 

I used to have this day dream that he'd come back, that Angel would tell me how he couldn't live without me and beg me to forgive him for leaving me. It's not going to happen, seeing him in LA this time proved that. Angel doesn't need me, not anymore. He may have thought he was weak back when the First was tormenting him, but he's not. He's strong and in control of his life. He really can exist without me, and that's what he wants. 

When I realized that it was like he was breaking up with me all over again. And once again I started thinking that he never really loved me. That if he had he would have let me get even with Faith for all the pain she had caused me. 

So I told him about Riley. That I'd moved on to someone new, someone I loved and unlike Angel someone I trusted. I thought if Angel really loved me that what I said would hurt him, even though he has to know I lied about not trusting him. I thought if I could see that it hurt Angel that I'd moved on then I could deal with his having moved on too. 

Only it didn't work that way. Oh, I got to see pain in Angel's eyes. Anger and heartbreak and loss, everything I wanted to know he felt. But it didn't make me feel better. It made me feel guilty, Angel made me feel guilty. Guilty for my happiness with Riley, guilty for lashing out at him, guilty because in the end he couldn't even look at me. 

Knowing that Angel still and always will love me was supposed to make me feel better. It doesn't, because it doesn't change anything. Angel didn't leave me because he didn't love me, he left because we were destroying each other. True love is supposed to overcome all obstacles, but Angel's and mine are just too big. 

Yet another childhood myth torn to shreds. 

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